Just me again. The first injection is scheduled for tomorrow. I'm a nervous wreck. I hurt my foot pretty badly a not long ago, and that's only adding to my general upset and irritability. We've submitted all the needed paper work for the name change. We're gathering information on surgical procedures and policies so we can change all the legal stuff too. The ball is REALLY rolling now. Gaining speed even...
Jules was so excited about everything. After seeing him so down throughout the winter and on and off all these years it feels really good to see such a genuine excitement. Such an unbridled happiness. In that all there is a childish hope, a tiny little sliver in his heart (the tip of a lethal arrow) slowly working its way deeper. It's finally getting to me. What's a girl to do. Sit by and watch it all decay?
"It's not a big deal. This was what I expected"
I have a view on the whole thing. A spectator watching this show. So Ive now stooped that low... acting like a child again. the hood-rat I am. Sneaking and peeking, and scurrying about. I took these e-mails...unaltered...put the story together myself. It WILL bother him forever if he gives up now, and I won't have it.
I appreciate all you've done for us, especially for me personally. The lump sum you gave me to help cover my school debts when my own mom couldn't be there for me really was kind. And we haven't bothered you about paying of the other half of Jules' school loans cause we're counting all you gave to me as your half. We're paying that one off because its not fair to ask you to pay twice. I love all the cute and shiny things you've bought for me. All the lunches, dinners, and sleep overs. All of your bravery in introducing me to family friends and patience in accepting me. But I still have to ask you for one more thing. E-mail me. Pick my writing apart and throw it in my face. Tell me to prove my love, because children don't owe anything to their parents. It's as a parent's job to raise their child since that child never asked for wretched life in the first place. So ask that cruel thing of me not him. He's proven himself. Over and over again and tossed and turned on dreamless cold nights looking for other proof. The bat mitzvah I'm always to hear of, the senior pictures, the smile throughout sickness, the force of sticking with that college, the hiding, the waiting, the outfit at the wedding, the tears, the anxiety, the birthday dinner at Chilis, the bloody fists pounding and clawing at the closed door to your heart was proof enough. Those things may have looked like compromises to you, but they weren't on his end. He lost to let you win, as proof of his love. He tries to do special things, that just end up in you yelling and crying about how you tried to be a good parent, just to prove his love. Sticking by you an even "taking your side" on things during the divorce was him trying to prove that cursed love you want so much. And I'm sorry, because I'm sure you don't agree, if you even read this far, but the things you have done are not proof of anything but what a responsible parent you are. They were all under the job description; parent. And no, you didn't have to do those things, college, paying for flights, buying things, dinner, lending a bed for a night, but that wouldn't have made you any less loving, just irresponsible. Like my mom. Jule's has never asked you to do the impossible so don't patronize him. Picking apart every little spoken phrase. Do it to me. Take this apart e-mail me. Call me. Yell, cry, patronize me. Ask me to prove my love, because I owe it to you being that I am not your child and you have proven yours to me, but don't do that to him. It's cruel, and since he wont say it, its wrong.
Dissect it, check it, take it to the lab and put all your anger on me. forbidden_tryst@yahoo.com
edited 12 April, 2009 to remove personal information.
Jules was so excited about everything. After seeing him so down throughout the winter and on and off all these years it feels really good to see such a genuine excitement. Such an unbridled happiness. In that all there is a childish hope, a tiny little sliver in his heart (the tip of a lethal arrow) slowly working its way deeper. It's finally getting to me. What's a girl to do. Sit by and watch it all decay?
"I'm not upset. I just don't understand..."
You're lying to meInvisible tears frame a forced smile.
"I should just give up"It would bother you forever...
I have a view on the whole thing. A spectator watching this show. So Ive now stooped that low... acting like a child again. the hood-rat I am. Sneaking and peeking, and scurrying about. I took these e-mails...unaltered...put the story together myself. It WILL bother him forever if he gives up now, and I won't have it.
I appreciate all you've done for us, especially for me personally. The lump sum you gave me to help cover my school debts when my own mom couldn't be there for me really was kind. And we haven't bothered you about paying of the other half of Jules' school loans cause we're counting all you gave to me as your half. We're paying that one off because its not fair to ask you to pay twice. I love all the cute and shiny things you've bought for me. All the lunches, dinners, and sleep overs. All of your bravery in introducing me to family friends and patience in accepting me. But I still have to ask you for one more thing. E-mail me. Pick my writing apart and throw it in my face. Tell me to prove my love, because children don't owe anything to their parents. It's as a parent's job to raise their child since that child never asked for wretched life in the first place. So ask that cruel thing of me not him. He's proven himself. Over and over again and tossed and turned on dreamless cold nights looking for other proof. The bat mitzvah I'm always to hear of, the senior pictures, the smile throughout sickness, the force of sticking with that college, the hiding, the waiting, the outfit at the wedding, the tears, the anxiety, the birthday dinner at Chilis, the bloody fists pounding and clawing at the closed door to your heart was proof enough. Those things may have looked like compromises to you, but they weren't on his end. He lost to let you win, as proof of his love. He tries to do special things, that just end up in you yelling and crying about how you tried to be a good parent, just to prove his love. Sticking by you an even "taking your side" on things during the divorce was him trying to prove that cursed love you want so much. And I'm sorry, because I'm sure you don't agree, if you even read this far, but the things you have done are not proof of anything but what a responsible parent you are. They were all under the job description; parent. And no, you didn't have to do those things, college, paying for flights, buying things, dinner, lending a bed for a night, but that wouldn't have made you any less loving, just irresponsible. Like my mom. Jule's has never asked you to do the impossible so don't patronize him. Picking apart every little spoken phrase. Do it to me. Take this apart e-mail me. Call me. Yell, cry, patronize me. Ask me to prove my love, because I owe it to you being that I am not your child and you have proven yours to me, but don't do that to him. It's cruel, and since he wont say it, its wrong.
Dissect it, check it, take it to the lab and put all your anger on me. forbidden_tryst@yahoo.com
edited 12 April, 2009 to remove personal information.
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