That serious conversation

So back on the night before our anniversary (December 29, 2008), Angie and I had a long heart to heart. She's been pushing me pretty hard to propose to her on Valentine's Day. A "real" proposal she calls it. You see, the things is, I've proposed to her, probably a million times. At least once a week for over 5 years now. Every time I've been serious about it, going through life over and over in my head trying to find a way to make it happen for us. When we first looked at this sex change thing, that was another option to getting what we want. So, I was pretty hurt when she kept pushing it. I understand now where she was coming from. She had taken me seriously, but not. She didn't expect us to really be able to ever get married, and no matter how firm I was that I would find a way, she didn't see the thought I put into it. And maybe my thought didn't actually mean a whole lot, but I was thinking. Anyway, I ended up crying a little (Angie said it counts as a "cry", that would be thrice this year - I hate proving her right) and just telling her how I really felt about everything. I really do want to marry her. Lots of times I think about everything we've been through and everything that we're going to have to go through and I just can't help but be sad thinking how hard things are. It's all worth it in the end, but I just want her to be happy. She's seemed really upset recently (our moving has really put a lot of stress on her), and I've been trying to perk up and go back to my old optimism, since I've been an angsting pot of unhappiness recently. She said that she felt that I put myself in my own little world and I don't come out. I explained to her what I felt. I don't always see everything as it is, and I hide it from myself to keep myself from falling apart. I'm so sorry for putting this all on her, I didn't know that she was so hurt by this.

So anyway, I told her to tell me when we have the money and I'll propose to her for real on Valentine's Day. And this time, we'll both know it's within our grasp. We won't have to rely on anyone in our families anymore. We won't have to feel tied down. We can just depend on each other and know that things will be a little easier for us.

Another thing we talked about was my parents. She mentioned that she thought that I was waiting to tell them about transitioning because I love them. I don't love them anymore. So she said, instead, that I care about them. ...This is true. I find myself many times putting others before myself because I care about people, even though I hate that about myself sometimes. My mom called last night and said she needed someone to take her to and from her colonoscopy. I'm "expected" to do it because I'm family. And it was "selfish" of me not to want to take her. "Obviously, family isn't what's most important to you." I thought to myself, "I have a real family now, one that loves me no matter what!" But I couldn't say it. Even though I had decided not to do this, I ended up agreeing to take her. I always do this to myself. I hate it so much! But I can't do anything about it. I let them walk all over me and then get upset when they let me down time after time. And it isn't just them, it's many people. Work, friends, family, random strangers who are nasty to me...I let everyone walk over me, and I hold in all the anger and let it wash away. At Barnes & Noble yesterday, I was buying a new manga. I had a little bit of money left on my gift card, not enough to cover the book, but enought to cover the tax. So I asked her to just put the amount that was on the card on the purchase. She gave me so much trouble about it, while flirting with the cashier next to her, I had to walk off the anger. Angie said I should have thrown the book at her, but I was about ready to crush her skull. Instead, I just told her I'd use the card some other time (I meant, some other time when someone who knew what they were doing was there), and I bought the book anyway, even though we really have enough money to. Why did I buy it? Why didn't I make a fuss? Why did I just let it all blow over me as if I wasn't even there?!

When I'm on Testosterone, I wonder how many people will feel my wrath? Sometimes, this scares me.

We decided I'm waiting to tell my parents because I don't want to hear their shit. I don't want to have them calling me all the time and saying they care about me while telling me that everything I do in life is wrong or selfish or anything else.

I can't help but be anxious, nervous, and excited to be going to therapy. We've had to put it off a month now; we were hoping to be able to start in December. I was afraid that the more I thought about it, the more scared I'd become, the more I'd need to push myself. But that's not true. I asked Angie last night if she thought I was being selfish; she said no. I asked her if she thought this was something I WANT to do. Sometimes, I make a decision based on logical thinking, and I think it's what I want, only to figure out later it was what made sense, but not what I wanted. I asked her if this logical conclusion was what I wanted. She thinks so.

And at the end of all this and more, the alarm on her phone went off. Her face lit up like the sun, and I was utterly confused. She grabbed her phone and turned off the alarm, turned to me, and said "Happy Anniversary." I looked at the clock. It was early. "I have 15 more minutes," I fussed. After a few more moments of fussing, I finally wished her a happy anniversary.

I say this a lot, but I'm going to say this again: I'm so happy that I kissed her that time. I'm so happy that I didn't listen to my parents. I'm so happy that I helped her at Phinizy Swamp. I'm so happy that all those little things fit together the way they did for me to reach this moment.

6 years. Feels like 20, after everything we've gone through. But there's still no one else I'd rather spend my life with. And I'm not just saying that because it's my anniversary!!! I'd say this any day of the year. But it sucks, we work opposite shifts today (I could have sworn I asked for today off.......), so we won't see each other at all. I saw her this morning (7 AM), and I probably won't see her again until 10:30-11:00PM tonight. Sigh.

I'll shut up now, I could probably go on for a while, but I gotta clean myself before work.